Today is Friday 15th March, I have been updating my facebook and blogs because I have run out of things to do around the office and the computer I use to watch shows on is making concerning noises. After creating the tagline of my blog I realized if I am going to get anywhere I need to start opening up.

This fear I have about being a cliche is peculiar, I believe I only feel that way because I have watched so much darn TV during my years, seeing as I don't personally know anyone like me and I often feel lonely, which is exactly the kind of cliche I worry about being, because apparently everyone feels lonely. But to avoid the repetitive feeling I need to explore why it effects me.

Society is what makes us people, we are social creatures and we congregate to do things we enjoy together, but it can also be oppressive. I used to hang out with Music students when I was studying English at Uni and although we had some similar interests it was the music that brought them together and excluded me, but as I didn't meet up with my linguistic group to rock out to a new Noam Chomsky blog I only have myself to blame. Now, obviously, if they are music students they are all going to enjoy music, but it would encroach almost all other subjects, musical jargon and quotes from 'in jokes' plagued my day to day conversations with these people and there was nothing I could do about it. I just felt left out. I did help start up the Linguistic Society though, which I believe is still going, but that was to help us and other students with our course. Also linguistics is a very fiddly subject which is fascinating to dissect but not as easy to comment on as a song, for example. It isn't a creative subject either, we tried to make it fun and interactive but at the end of the day it is about facts, data and interpretations.
I felt accepted and a part of it when I was talking about things I like with people I like, and although it splintered when our exams came into view I enjoyed running the Linguistic Society. Maybe it wasn't my vocation, but a social experiment. My friend Emma emigrated to Florida a few years ago, we had grown up together over the past decade and it was nice to have a running buddy, we do things individually but together, I was a ska kid she liked Indie, we worked. However, since she left the UK I have made other friends but they are not quite the same fit, with most people I speak to I wish there was an eject button available and I don't know why. This is this feeling I want to get rid of. I am no better or worse than anyone else so why do I hit that point where I want to disappear?
At the end of it all though, it is down to me, I was brought into the world alone and I will leave the world alone, and no one will know what I do or think when I am alone, because of the ol' observers paradox. Same as I can't tell what they are thinking or feeling, and some people are pretty good at faking excessive happiness. Or they come off in a bad way and don't realize, or do and simply don't care about your opinion (that's the life). We live in the age of refinement, not invention, so the feeling of being cliche is almost unavoidable as it has all been done before (and tweeted, tagged and liked).The comfort society brings is that if everyone is doing it it must be ok. Don't loaf on it. H xoxox

Today is Wednesday 2nd January 2012. I am at work alone in the office for a family of philanthropic electricians and decided today was the day I would take my first steps to growing up. I intend to do this by trying to get to know myself better, to learn my strengths and weaknesses and not feel like an outcast or a cliche when making decisions, which sounds easy but I have been finding it rather difficult. My usual method of coping has lost its appeal and merely cocoons me in a blissful green smog, leaving problems to fester out of sight, but not this year.
I graduated last June after passing myself from course  to course like an unloved foster student, finally crawling out of further education with a 2:2 in Linguistics (with both the grade and the course being under appreciated) . This infuriated me as I was 0.68 points from a more respectable 2:1 and the University offered no help or apologies or hope, to be honest. It was this fury that cemented my notion of travelling, as I evidently was not set out to be the next Noam Chomsky I thought I'd bide my time with a bit of sight seeing and soul searching. But to frivolously travel the globe I would inevitably need funds.
My ability to become stoic with a warming smile ensured me an administrative job in Manchester city centre for Hobs Reprographics, an awful money squeezing company with a wheezy, morbidly obese 'catch you next Tuesday' boss and employees who would bitch viciously out of earshot and display looks of modest panic in presence of a manager. I upsold, telesold, learnt about gsm's and steadtler pens and simpered to simpletons to get them to spend more money (my role in this company was to sell ordinary stationary with a 40% increase and make it seem like a bargain). People liked me, one lady even bought chocolates and named her cutting mat after me, which I know is strange but I am taking it as a compliment. After 3 months my manager, who had been with the company for over a decade, was let go whilst on paternity leave by the regional manager who stepped in to take his place (envision a suit with a cauliflower balanced on the collar). A month later I was made redundant during lunch, I was given no reason, just 'I don't feel you are right for the position' after 4 months of me doing the job. Whilst my colleague was taken out for Starbucks I was taken out back and shot. I later found out the company was losing money and our skeleton staff was plumped up by me who earnt £3k more a year than my counterpart. As I'd say (quietly to myself) you can't spell Hobs without BS.
There is more to this tale but for now this will suffice, a week later I decided to dawdle to the job centre to sign on and walked past this office with a sign in the window saying 'Full time office administrator required'  and I walked in said 'I am an office administrator looking for full time work' feeling like a superhero revealing their secret identity, and somehow invited myself for a trial day and was employed a mere 10 days after being let go, so with holiday pay and notice I didn't miss a payment to my escape fund! I have been hiding £400 a month from myself in a separate account and have so far saved £2700. My goal is £6000 by July and I should be ok if I stick to the plan and stop thinking of myself as another travelling graduate. I should really get back to work now...Speak soon, H xoxox